Snow Patrol

So, did anyone else have a ridiculous time out there this morning? Ok, so maybe it would have been fun if I didn't have Sammy in the car. Or, if I could afford to wreck my car. Instead, I had to drive quite slow and I got stuck a few times. For those who don't know, I have a 1997 Plymouth Neon. Yep, that's right. It's 11 years old and still kicking, only by the grace of God. It sits about 5 inches off the ground so I risk stalling out in a mirage. Today I had to drive in 2 feet of snow! My normal 10 minute trip took about 30 minutes. Crazy.

We joined the Y on Friday. It's something I've been really wanting to do, knowing that if I spent the money, I'll force myself to get "my money's worth". Then I can be a sexy babe by summer! Then I wonder, is getting skinny really worth it since I'll be getting preggo again, Lord willing, sometime within the next year? I'd rather start at 20 lbs less and gain it back, then gain from where I'm at! Saturday was Sammy and I's first trip to the Y (marty was working). After my quick 20 minutes on the treadmill (Child Watch closes early on Saturdays), we went into the pool. Don't worry, I wore a t-shirt over my swimsuit so not to scare off other patrons. I still felt quite awkward since I was playing in the children's area with Sammy, which is about a foot deep. Sammy had a blast though, and he wasn't embarrassed in the least by my unsightly figure!
The really impressive day was Monday....35 minutes. Yep, I got on a treadmill for 35 minutes! Ok, so really I was ready to get off after 10 minutes, but pride and fear of looking like a loser, I stuck with it. The place was packed with amatuers trying to impress and I didn't want to be the one who couldn't hang! Boy, I was sweating after that, and I didn't even run. I just walked really fast. I was afraid if I jogged or ran, I would A) fall off, B) wimp out after one minute like I do at home, C) my butt would jiggle so much I would lose balance.
Now today my goal is to go and actually use the circuit. It's not worth my moola to go and just use the treamill, considering I have one at home! But, at home I have a million excuses like, it's too cold in the basement or man, that's a lot of laundry that needs done! The circuit is intimidating though. All these people milling around, flexing their wimpy muscles, oh, that's just me. The circuit is the middle of the workout room, and some of the machines I've never seen, and I'm afraid I'll look stupid trying to figure out how to use it. So I made an appointment with a trainer! You get one free, so I have to make it count, because I'm not paying for any more. I pay enough to be a member! So wish me luck. I'm just hoping I don't look like a fool.

A Step Closer

Well, it is exactly two weeks later that I am back here to write down my thoughts. I don't know what keeps me from blogging, oh that's right, lack of time, energy, ideas, etc.

Isn't it funny the people God puts in your life? Sometimes you don't even realize what someone may really mean to you until one day BOOM! God does something amazing and you are able to look back at that friendship and say, WOW, God really put us together for a reason! Of course, I'm talking about a specific friend but I want to keep it mysterious, hehehehe....oh, the truth shall be revealed in time, but all that matters now is that my friend knows that God put you in my life (and mine in yours) and there is a reason we managed to stay connected over all these years, when quite frankly, we have not really hung out all that much lately and we kind of have seperate groups of friends! We should have known that day in 2004 when our words were brought forth that there was a reason we were told together!

Well, my friends. I think I'm closer to knowing what God might have in store for me. A little birdie text messaged me this verse yesterday exactly when I was looking up verses with the same sort of meaning:

"He is able to do immeasurably more than we can ask, seek or imagine." Ephesians 3:20

Thanks, friend.

I'm almost 30

The big day has come and gone. Now in adulthood, birthdays don't hold the same excitement as they did, say 20 years ago! Marty felt the need to remind me I am more than 1/2 way to 50...ok, well, he's 32, so whatever! He also wished me Happy Almost 30th birthday. I still have to turn 29 next year, but you know, 28 is a weird age. It's like limbo between having fun in your 20's and succumbing to the responsibility of work, life and kids in your 30's. He also thought it would be funny to add that he heard that having babies after 30 increases risks, so we should crank a few more out real quick...yeah, no thanks!

I am making a birthday resolution to take more vitamins, spend more time playing with Sammy rather than stressing about my messy house, and I need to give my anxiety, stress and depression (that the enemy sends to me through the mess that is Alexis's mother) to the Lord. I think less caffeine might help with that, too!

Whoever actually tunes into my blog, keep my family in prayer in regards to Alexis. She is being used as a pawn so bad, and all it does is hurt her. I just want to drive down and pick her up, bring her back and keep her safe from the ridiculous antics of her mother and grandmother. They conspire together to see what benefits them so that Marty's mom can get as much time with Alexis as possible. She stabs her own son in the back to befriend this manipulator, and it causes so much unnecessary strife. Pray for a miracle and for God's hand to move in this situation quickly.

I promise, my blogs are soon to be more positive, thought-provoking, genius-at-work writing that you won't be bored to tears by. Love you all!

Oh, Monday.

For once I am somewhat glad it is Monday. I had a terrible past 8 days. I cannot divulge too much, but let's just say I had a "woe-is-me" time last weekend (not the one that just past)...Satan just loves to kick you when you are down. I was a little down about some friendship stuff and thought well, I do have these friends over here, blah blah blah...who come to find out on Sunday neglected to invite me along to hang out Saturday, once again, totally didn't even realize I wasn't there hanging out with them. I was really frustrated by my revelations about my friendships, but had to get over it and head out on a two-day business trip with my boss. That sounds much weirder than it is. I love my boss. We have a ton in common and she is a great friend. I can tell her anything without being judged. I wanted to visit my grandma on Saturday, but Sammy had an ear infection and my uncle smokes, so I didn't want to take him around it, not to mention he was being a Mr. Grumpy Pants.
So Tuesday evening I got back from my trip and about an hour later my mom called to tell me my grandma had a heartattack. My life with Grandma around literally flashed before my eyes because I have been feeling this coming for a few months now, but really thought she had a few years left. Two hours after that call, my mom called to tell me she didn't make it. I literally felt the world stop. It was all so fast, I didn't even get to say goodbye, and I immediately thought about how I should've visited over the weekend. She lives less than 10 minutes away, what has been my excuse? Working full-time really made it difficult and I reminded myself that I did visit much more often, at least once a week, when I worked less. My grandma was 77, most people in my family live to see 90 at least. She had declining health and macular degeneration, so I understand she is in a better place and doesn't have to deal with blindness, arthritis, pneumonia, or any other ailments she was fighting off all the time. Still, it has been very rough. Sometimes, grandma's pass, and you hug your friend and give your sympathy, and many are pretty strong about it because it is a thing of nature. But, this was different. I was so close to her, and of course I thought of all the should've, could've, would've's immediately. She LOVED my children so good...telling Alexis by phone sucked. She adored my grandma.
Fast forward past details...Wednesday everything was taken care of. We were given a 20 minute family viewing with grandma, and then they sent her body off to be cremated. That creeps me out a little. But, I know she is not there. It's just a shell.
Thursday---I was a mess. I stayed home, kept Sammy home and spent time with him, went to breakfast with my mom, shared memories of Grandma, visited my uncle who lived with her and had found her. Thursday night though, God sent me His condolences in the form of my friend from college, Chrissy. I miss my Evangel friends so much and had been thinking about them a lot over the last week since my friend revelations. Chrissy's plane got delayed til Friday morning, so I met her at her hotel and we talked til about 2 am, then I had to go home so I wouldn't get snowed in. It was such a good time and I really needed it. My friends here have been wonderful and supportive as well. Thanks, everyone for your lovin' :)
Anyway, back to work today. I took Friday as well, since I got three days of bereavement pay anyway. That was a good rest for me, although I was sick over the weekend and I am exhausted. Tomorrow is the big B-day. No, not 30. Just 28. Marty's 32 was Saturday. We might go on a hot date tomorrow. Well, make it mild. Here's to a better week than last.

Checking In

Well, I wanted to check in because it's been a while. Not having a working computer at home stinks. I am accepting donations:)....hahahaha....

I'm completely obsessed with Alexis. I know, on the 15th I said I was giving it up. What is wrong with me? I know it's not right for me to be this worried and stressed and it is not like something else has happened recently. I know I need to give it up to God and it's so frustrating to me that Satan is able to get a hold of my emotions! Please pray for me. I know that she is heavy on my mind because the Lord wants me praying for her. I know something is going to happen this year and HE wants us ready spiritually.
I feel stupid being jealous that her mother gets to spend time with her and does nice things for her. She never did that much before. Then I get mad when I find out that she does crappy things to her. I should be happy for Alexis that her mom has taken on this new persona of "Good Mom" and cares for her daughter. Except, I know that it's a front so that her new manfriend will think she is this amazing person...yeah, so amazing...28 (more than 1/2 his age), 2 kids, 2 different dads, 2 divorces, supposedly both are violent deadbeats (yeah, Marty, right) and she hasn't known any of her men for more than a few months before first living with them then convincing them to marry her so she can tap their bank accounts dry and then leave with 1/2 their retirement. What is this new guy thinking? Ok, it is totally wrong for me to be venting like this, but it feels good! Again, pray for me. See, I don't think of Alexis as my stepdaughter. I feel like someone has my child and won't give them back.
In good news...Sammy is so wonderful and hilarious and cute. He is talking better and doing funny things. He loves music and dancing and yes, the Wiggles. Ugh. Those dudes creep me out. Anyway, if you haven't seen Sammy lately, check out his cutie patootie grin. I love it. He is 18 months now, 25.13 lbs and 31 inches tall. His hair is starting to lay flat now and I really miss the fuzzed out look! He is a walking danger zone, likes slides and jumping off the couch--aka giving mommy a heartattack!
Work is good. I really like this job. I miss school. That's weird. I'm going to take some classes soon, to keep me in the know.
Tomorrow is Mommy's group at 10am, Joanna's house. Be there, momma's. Call me for directions.

Byebye Satan. No more worry for me!

I have had so much anxiety in the past few days. I get myself worked up because I can always predict Alexis's mother's reaction to everything. I looked at the calendar and realized that Alexis will be getting out earlier than usual this year for summer break. This causes anxiety because my sitter's and Alexis's friends will not be done with school until her THIRD week here. She will only be here for about 5 1/2. That is unfair to her, us, everyone! It's a catch 22 though....if we don't ask for her to come later, then she comes early and everyone is inconvenienced, especially her. If we DO ask, her mother uses it as opportunity to demean Marty for any possible thing she can think up and she will intentionally send her as early as possible. I can't take this crap. It's SO stupid. It's even stupider that it's January and I'm letting it put me in a bad mood and make me anxious. Am I right about my prediction? Yes, always am. Should I be worrying about it NOW? NOOOO!! I need to give it up to God! I know this, yet I still have trouble doing it!
I believe Alexis NEEDS to be here. I believe it is in God's will, and we need to be patient and wait for HIS timing. I do believe in God's promise. I can't stand to watch her mother abuse, use, manipulate, brainwash and break her spirit any longer. The ONLY thing left for me to do is pray pray pray and fast fast fast. So, that is what I am going to do. I haven't fasted in forever. I have a really hard time fasting. Someone is always wanting to do lunch or dinner, or I have to cook for my family, etc. Enough with the food excuses...I am going to fast every week until this situation has a breakthrough. No, not one of those 40 day fasts, I don't feel called to that. I am going to fast one, two, maybe three or more times a week until I can be at peace with this. I guess I should leave you with some encouragement, too....if you have something you need a breakthrough in NOW, then fast with me! No more being defeated by the enemy! No more depression, anxiety, worry, anger, fear...that is all from the devil and he is laughing at us when we give in to these demons. Let's be victorious TOGETHER.

On to the resolutions!

Ok, so we are 8 days into the New Year. Alexis has been packed up and sent back and I can begin to focus on my goals. I received confirmation that my loans have been consolidated, went over my budget, cleaned out the bad foods in my kitchen, and have begun a plan to declutter my home. I'm really motivated, as are most people in the first month of each New Year.

The first goal I am attacking head-on is of course, my health. I'm less concerned with pounds and more concerned with losing the flab. I'm motivated and ready to conquer this demon that has depressed me for too long!

I am also waging war on Satan and his lame attacks. Normally after sending Alexis back, I get anxious and worrysome for several weeks and it affects my work, relationships and ability to focus on the blessing that is Sammy. I have Faith in God's promise and will continue to pray for her safety, but leave it in HIS hands. I will be spending more quality time with Sammy, focusing solely on him and giving him my undivided attention. That also means I'm not spending every evening preparing, cooking, cleaning up dinner, vaccuuming, picking up toys, cleaning, etc...my time with Sammy is not enough as it is, and I'm not going to take more time away from him. We have to eat, but I'm going to learn more recipes that will be quicker, yet healthy....Marty can share in the cleaning up and cleaning the house. And somedays, the house will just be messy. I'm ok with that!

I will be more diligent in my Bible study, tithe and prayer time. I need to focus on finding out what I'm going to be doing the rest of my life. There is no job security in this world, especially Michigan, and I need to figure out a back up plan if something were to happen to my job.

I think I am off to a good start. Admitting is the first step, right? I know, that's a different program, but I think it can be applied here as well. Pray for Alexis, I believe this is a big year for us.