Checking In

Well, I wanted to check in because it's been a while. Not having a working computer at home stinks. I am accepting donations:)....hahahaha....

I'm completely obsessed with Alexis. I know, on the 15th I said I was giving it up. What is wrong with me? I know it's not right for me to be this worried and stressed and it is not like something else has happened recently. I know I need to give it up to God and it's so frustrating to me that Satan is able to get a hold of my emotions! Please pray for me. I know that she is heavy on my mind because the Lord wants me praying for her. I know something is going to happen this year and HE wants us ready spiritually.
I feel stupid being jealous that her mother gets to spend time with her and does nice things for her. She never did that much before. Then I get mad when I find out that she does crappy things to her. I should be happy for Alexis that her mom has taken on this new persona of "Good Mom" and cares for her daughter. Except, I know that it's a front so that her new manfriend will think she is this amazing person...yeah, so amazing...28 (more than 1/2 his age), 2 kids, 2 different dads, 2 divorces, supposedly both are violent deadbeats (yeah, Marty, right) and she hasn't known any of her men for more than a few months before first living with them then convincing them to marry her so she can tap their bank accounts dry and then leave with 1/2 their retirement. What is this new guy thinking? Ok, it is totally wrong for me to be venting like this, but it feels good! Again, pray for me. See, I don't think of Alexis as my stepdaughter. I feel like someone has my child and won't give them back.
In good news...Sammy is so wonderful and hilarious and cute. He is talking better and doing funny things. He loves music and dancing and yes, the Wiggles. Ugh. Those dudes creep me out. Anyway, if you haven't seen Sammy lately, check out his cutie patootie grin. I love it. He is 18 months now, 25.13 lbs and 31 inches tall. His hair is starting to lay flat now and I really miss the fuzzed out look! He is a walking danger zone, likes slides and jumping off the couch--aka giving mommy a heartattack!
Work is good. I really like this job. I miss school. That's weird. I'm going to take some classes soon, to keep me in the know.
Tomorrow is Mommy's group at 10am, Joanna's house. Be there, momma's. Call me for directions.

Byebye Satan. No more worry for me!

I have had so much anxiety in the past few days. I get myself worked up because I can always predict Alexis's mother's reaction to everything. I looked at the calendar and realized that Alexis will be getting out earlier than usual this year for summer break. This causes anxiety because my sitter's and Alexis's friends will not be done with school until her THIRD week here. She will only be here for about 5 1/2. That is unfair to her, us, everyone! It's a catch 22 though....if we don't ask for her to come later, then she comes early and everyone is inconvenienced, especially her. If we DO ask, her mother uses it as opportunity to demean Marty for any possible thing she can think up and she will intentionally send her as early as possible. I can't take this crap. It's SO stupid. It's even stupider that it's January and I'm letting it put me in a bad mood and make me anxious. Am I right about my prediction? Yes, always am. Should I be worrying about it NOW? NOOOO!! I need to give it up to God! I know this, yet I still have trouble doing it!
I believe Alexis NEEDS to be here. I believe it is in God's will, and we need to be patient and wait for HIS timing. I do believe in God's promise. I can't stand to watch her mother abuse, use, manipulate, brainwash and break her spirit any longer. The ONLY thing left for me to do is pray pray pray and fast fast fast. So, that is what I am going to do. I haven't fasted in forever. I have a really hard time fasting. Someone is always wanting to do lunch or dinner, or I have to cook for my family, etc. Enough with the food excuses...I am going to fast every week until this situation has a breakthrough. No, not one of those 40 day fasts, I don't feel called to that. I am going to fast one, two, maybe three or more times a week until I can be at peace with this. I guess I should leave you with some encouragement, too....if you have something you need a breakthrough in NOW, then fast with me! No more being defeated by the enemy! No more depression, anxiety, worry, anger, fear...that is all from the devil and he is laughing at us when we give in to these demons. Let's be victorious TOGETHER.

On to the resolutions!

Ok, so we are 8 days into the New Year. Alexis has been packed up and sent back and I can begin to focus on my goals. I received confirmation that my loans have been consolidated, went over my budget, cleaned out the bad foods in my kitchen, and have begun a plan to declutter my home. I'm really motivated, as are most people in the first month of each New Year.

The first goal I am attacking head-on is of course, my health. I'm less concerned with pounds and more concerned with losing the flab. I'm motivated and ready to conquer this demon that has depressed me for too long!

I am also waging war on Satan and his lame attacks. Normally after sending Alexis back, I get anxious and worrysome for several weeks and it affects my work, relationships and ability to focus on the blessing that is Sammy. I have Faith in God's promise and will continue to pray for her safety, but leave it in HIS hands. I will be spending more quality time with Sammy, focusing solely on him and giving him my undivided attention. That also means I'm not spending every evening preparing, cooking, cleaning up dinner, vaccuuming, picking up toys, cleaning, etc...my time with Sammy is not enough as it is, and I'm not going to take more time away from him. We have to eat, but I'm going to learn more recipes that will be quicker, yet healthy....Marty can share in the cleaning up and cleaning the house. And somedays, the house will just be messy. I'm ok with that!

I will be more diligent in my Bible study, tithe and prayer time. I need to focus on finding out what I'm going to be doing the rest of my life. There is no job security in this world, especially Michigan, and I need to figure out a back up plan if something were to happen to my job.

I think I am off to a good start. Admitting is the first step, right? I know, that's a different program, but I think it can be applied here as well. Pray for Alexis, I believe this is a big year for us.

I'm copying Kelly!

I have come to realize that my butt: seems to be at least 1/2 my weight, and just keeps getting bigger the more carbs I eat...dang I love carbs.
2. I have come to realize that when I talk: I get lost in thought at the same time, then come across very airheaded or random
3. I have come to realize that I need: far more money right now than I am capable of making.
4. I have come to realize that I lost: my chance to get a new car by starting my student loan repayment. Darn student loans.
5. I have come to realize that I hate it when: mothers use their children as pawns against ex-husbands and family. When moms decided they are bored with marriage, but don't want to share their children so they make up stuff to try and get sole custody.
6. I have come to realize that marriage: is very hard work, but worth it.
7. I have come to realize that work: is not my life, but required in this society. I am lucky to have a job and need to not complain about having to work.
8. I have come to realize that I will always be: a mom, therefore selfless and sacrificing any money I could spend on myself so that my children will have what they want and need.
9. I have come to realize that I like: being alone.
10. I have come to realize that the last time I cried: Yesterday, when I received pictures of a friend I haven't seen in too long and realized how much time has gone by and how much I miss them and how happy I am for them...they have a great life and awesome job.
11.I have come to realize that my cell phone is: like a foreign body forever attached to me.
12. I have come to realize that before I go to sleep at night:I think about everything I needed to get done but didn't, and how much more I'll have to do the next day.
13. I am currently thinking about: Alexis...we have to send her back to KY tomorrow. That makes me depressed.
14. I have come to realize that babies: are an awesome gift from God and completely change your life.
15. I have come to realize that when I get on Myspace: I have way too much catching up and updating to do, so it exhausts me.
16. I have come to realize that today I will: go by some clothes that fit.
17. I have come to realize that tonight I will: pack Alexis's things and make sure she has her Birthday mouse that her mom made her bring, and then told her not to break it or lose it or leave it behind. (why send it? That's right, to annoy me)
18. I have come to realize that tomorrow I will: have upset stomach like I do everytime we pick Alexis up or take her back.
19. Where's the best place to eat a romantic dinner? Home with no distractions or children.
20. What did you want to be when you were growing up? An actress or youth pastor's wife.
21. How many colleges did you attend? Three. One day I'll return for my Master's.
22. Why did you wear the shirt that you have on right now? It was the only thing clean that semi hides my fat roll.
23. If you could visit anywhere and take someone with you: Venice with Marty. (of course I'm going to say my husband, although I'd really like my mom to take a vacation sometime)
24. What errand/chore do you despise? Tie between laundry and the bathroom.
25. If you didn't have to work, would you volunteer at an art gallery? I love art, but probably not. If I'm going to volunteer, it'd have to be helping people in need.
26. What is your favorite cartoon character? Ariel.
27. Are you planning on remaining in your current field? Hmm.....ask me in a year
28. Beach or lake? Uh, both? In Michigan, the beach and lake are synonymus.
29. What's your drink? Tall half caf nonfat carmel macchiato. Or water.
30. Cowboys or Indians? Indians. They were here first, and it's my heritage.
31. Cops or Robbers? Cops.
32. Who from high school would you like to run into? Any of my friends. Course, I see most on myspace.
33. Have you ever had to use a firearm? No way. I hate guns.
34. Last book you read? Thomas Saves the Day. I can't remember the last one I read for myself.
35. Do you have a teddy bear? many.
36. Somewhere in California you've never been and would like to go? San Fransisco, I hear it's pretty.
37. Number of texts in a day? 4 or so.
38. If you had to choose- would you start a new career or relationship? career as a stay at home mom who writes stories and teaches her children preschool.
39. How many jobs have you had? Hmm, DQ, Blockbuster, Lone Star, abercrombie....13. Whoa. First time I actually counted.
40. Are you where you thought you would be at this age? Yeah, right.

Ringing in 2008

5 kids under 9 celebrating a birthday and New Year's. That was a crazy night for me! As soon as I get the pictures, I will have to share them. It may have been exhausting, but the kids will never forget it, especially Alexis. I'm glad, too. We may not have tons of money to spend and we're not able to take her on elaborate vacations, but it's times like this that make the best memories. Now, I did spend way more than I would on a party. I can't stand spending money on napkins, plastic tablecloths and overpriced decorations that will just be thrown away. I did this time though, because she is only 9 once and she LOVES Hannah Montana. I mean obsessed. The look on her face and the excitement of this crazy fun party was priceless though. By the way, here is a cheap idea I will throw into this blog as a bonus for you. We did it two years ago when I let her have a party at the house because we were too broke to go to Chuck E Cheese....1o empty 2-liters and a small ball, hopefully a long hallway and you've got yourself a bowling alley. That was the HIT of the party that year. The kids still talk about it. This year our theme was Karaoke and Rockstars, so the boys dressed up like the Jonas Brothers and the girls were HSM and Hannah Montana. We had inflatible guitars, karaoke, wigs, sparkling "champagne"....it was all worth it!
So, now that the party is over (by the way, best NYE party I've ever been to, not to brag:)...my New Year's Resolutions:

1. Lose 15 lbs by March. I'll be ok if I don't lose all my pounds as long as I lose this flap of skin that hangs on my waistline and the fat around my hips, thighs, bootie...I want to drop three sizes at least.

2. After all the hardwork of losing, sometime this year, I may go round two on the baby train. I resolve to not eat so much ice cream this time, and try to gain healthier weight so it'll be easier to lose. I didn't gain too much last time, but I could've ate healthier.

3. To be a better mom and stepmom. To teach my children creativity and imagination rather than battery operated toys and spending money.

4. To save more money and doing what it takes to pinch those pennies. We need a new car, our plumbing fixed, and I want to remodel some rooms. We need money for those things! No more spendng money on groceries....what a waste....just kidding!

5. I will push myself to write, write, write. I will enter freelance contests for experience and work on discovering a book idea.

6. Make time for scrapbooking Sammy's pictures, considering I do not have a baby book for him, my first child! That's sad.

7. To grow in my walk with God and strengthen my Faith. To witness more and be a better example.

8. To better my marriage and do what it takes...seminars, retreats, counseling, weekend getaways...so that we can be an example to others and to our children.

I might have more resolutions another day. That's enough for now!